|
| hello world. lotsa stuff happened since we last spoke. but im not gonna tell you!
*sticks tongue out*
| | |
| i hate it when you first meet someone and the random topic of birthdays comes up and they tell u their b-day (which happens to be 10 or 11 months away) and then its never talked about again and then when their birthday comes they get all mad and emo that you "forgot". its like, were u expecting me to run and right down ur birthday the second i first meet you? like yeah id prolly remember if it was like a month or so away but its like u couldnt given me like a warning.. like, hey my b-day is next month! anyway, i just hate it when people make you have a guilt trip about something really stupid. it totally couldve been avoided. the whole, no one cares about me and no one remembers my birthday thing when u never even tell ppl ur bday or tell them like once EVER and then complain is just dumb. besides, im excited about my bday, i'll tell ppl who i think will care. whatever this is stupid.
| | |
| so xanga is officially dead. there i said it. all the xanga nerds out there refuse to admit it but its true. i know, its sad. but yet again i am here typing out my feelings bcuz i know no one reads this and even they do then they can have fun looking into my life thru the internet instead of just talkin to me in person.
so in case you dont already know, my family isnt exactly the most perfect one. no its not all dysfunctional with step-relatives running around all over the place. but we just dont know how to talk to each other. it seems like such a simple and easy thing to do but we just cant pull it off. someone is either not listening or not caring or just plain selfish. and yes, i take all the credit for all of the above and more. im not that proud. we all have our "off days" but it just gets too out of hand way too often. and all the stupid little arguments are about nothing and could have EASILY been avoided. but everyone always has to have it their way, well u know what, this isnt fuckin burger king! but having fun is never on the menu when at this house. i dont know if that last sentence made sense but i heard it on tv and thats the best place to learn stufff in life, right?***
but seriously... my parents always try to teach me to not leave the house every time an argument happens because "u never what can happen out on the streets" what a lame thing to say. yeah anything can happen but i dont see anything wrong with taking a walk WITHIN a mile radius of ur house. and here my dad is (just getting home from his escape from the argument) waiting for my mom to finally get home from her escape as well. cuz of course they had to take 2 different cars and leave me stranded here by myself while everyone else is out having fun and looking forward to prom and graduating, and im not even graduating this year!! omg i cant wait to get out of here!!
yeah older people always say that u always enjoy coming home from college and im sure i'll enjoy the visiting on holidays but my parents just dont know when to let me grow up. they still treat me like i dont know anything about anything. and yeah im not the smartest person in the world and im not saying i know everything, but i think i know by now how to get home if they cant pick me up from school. I LIVE A 7 MINUTE WALK AWAY!! i think i can handle it even tho i do get lazy and make my poor bf pick me up or make my best friend drive me home all the time. but thats what friends are for?
and speaking of prom, i dont even wanna go any more. my mom totally ruined everything. and i have a feeling that im really going to regret saying this because shes not home yet and im still really worried on the inside even tho im still kinda mad. but everything i had to go thru to get ready for prom was such a fuckin hassle i wish i just wouldve went with friends like everyone else does. getting my dress was kinda fun at first but of course my mom is stubborn and makes me try on things that i dont even think are kinda pretty and completely not my style and when i tell her i dont like it she just shoves it in my face anyway. and of course the lovely and oh so usual argument in the car ride home. that was fun. btw, did i mention that day was like a week ago, prom is in 2 days!!! wtf... im like the last one to buy everything and i just bought my jewelry today and it wasnt even that great. some thing from Claire's that i just had to settle for. but u know what, i shouldnt act like such a little brat, i am appreciative that she took me out to buy stuff and i didnt even have to pay for it but i just dont see the point in doing something nice for someone when u give them shit while doing it. it just defeats the purpose of doing that nice thing. oh and i still havent bought a garter yet cuz when we walked into the fancy lil bridal shop hoping to find ours on hold and behind th counter the lady that was there said she never put it on hold and she JUST sold it. what a fuckin fuck-tard. i asked my mom EXACTLY what she said on the phone cuz apparantly there was a misunderstanding since my mom says she talked to her and put it on hold but the lady was like 'i dont know what ur talking about...' and she was totally in la-la land. what a stupid lady to work at such a fancy looking place. all i did was ask my mom what she said and i told her "i dont believe you" but she totally took it the wrong way.. i didnt mean that i actually thought she was lying. at first i was like ok what did you REALLY say instead of what u THOUGHT you said and then i was like OMG I DONT BELIEVE YOU!! u know like the whole, are you serious thing when u know that they really are serious. idk it was weird and she totally didnt hear me out and she got all pissy and 'hurt' like its such a big fuckin deal. everyone in my family takes things soo personally its not even funny.
new paragraph cuz i feel like it. but yeah she started screaming (as usual) and she left the house. so not only do i not have a garter but my moms still not home yet. and actually as every minute goes by when she doesnt walk thru the front door i get more scared. and worried. i tried to cry earlier cuz i know my body and i know my emotions and i know that sometimes u just gotta bitch at someone (im sorry if that someone is reading this) and sometimes u just gotta be sad (im sorry again) and sometimes u just gotta cry. i just gotta let it all out and let it flow and release everything that u feel. but of course this cry isnt just ur regular cry. its the cry that takes u hours to get over. one time it lasted all night and even thru the a.m. hours. i think i shed a couple tears all at once right when i was about to break down and walk around my neighborhood but johnny's mom and dad and another one of my neighbors was outside and they stopped me to talk.
i was actually really embarassed cuz i felt my eyes burning from crying and i knew they were all red. i also knew that they knew i was crying. we talked for a little bit, just small talk. then they started telling me some stories about their sons. i only knew johnny in person, but i knew the rest of them thru those stories she always tells about them. i wish i could apologize to my parents, but its just not that easy with them. sometimes the words "im sorry" just dont mean a thing. i honestly dont blame them. they are really nice people and they were good company. i told them i was on my way to coffee house at school (i really was but i dont think they believed me cuz our crazy family arguments can be heard all over the neighborhood) but they kept me talkin and i didnt mind at all. i just wanted somewhere to go that wasnt my house. and even tho it was only four houses away and standin in the driveway in clear veiw of my house, it was one thing i needed at the time.
so now for the best part--the boyfriend issues. i wish i could say that things with me and tom are the best theyve ever been now that hes home and all to myself but thats completely wrong. almost the opposite. not only does he work almost every day til midnight and im still in school with a job as well, but i think we're slowly falling apart. i dont really know whats goin on with us anymore. sometimes i think that we just arent right for each other and other times i think about how hes the perfect guy for me. it doesnt make any sense. i think my brain is like screwed up or its that multiple personality thing. i dont know. we've been dating for almost a year and a half now and i think thats an oober long time to be in a relationship with in high school. and u know what im proud of it. but on the other hand he went to college in michigan and that was tough. i was never really the best girlfriend. i made stupid little petty fights, got mad for no reason, expected too much, expected too little, talked about him to all my friends and anyone that would ask-and it wasnt always the best things to say but i was just angry. i lied to him a few times, i even cheated on him a few times. it was really bad. i dont even know why he's still with me. after all the shit i tried to pull with him i dont even deserve him. its just sad cuz after a while i was just never happy. i think at one point in everyones life they get sucked in to this mode where they just arent happy with anything and nothings enough for them. its not a good mode to be in. a couple days ago i wasnt sure if i felt the same way about him as i used to. i was really confused. i still am really confused. for the past.... like 3 months into our relationship we said those 3 little magical words that everyone likes to hear way to often. i dont even think he meant it at first. i dont even think i meant it at first. or at least not what we felt further down the road. the more time would go by and the more we saw each other the more "in love" we were. it was a lot of fun. but them he left for college and i didnt see him to often, and now hes back for summer (hes been for like a month) and it just doesnt seem as exciting as i thought it was going to be. u know what. im too tired of writing.. or typing, and my dad just left for the second time to go find my mom, or at least thats where i think hes goin cuz he stopped yelling a while ago so he cant be leaving again cuz hes mad. i'll wait and pray. i dont know if theres some sort of rule where u cant pray within the same couple hours u sin without asking forgiveness first. maybe i'll do that. but then i wont really mean it, i'll just want my mom to be ok cuz even tho i told her i hated her i feel like crying my eyes out at the fact that shes not home yet and we dont know where she is. i dont hate her. i feel bad for saying it but i was angry. it slipped out. and it wasnt the first time. im gonna go before i get tears all over the keyboard.
goodnight to everyone and i hope ur having more fun than me.
lets be honest--more honest. i want to be having more fun than me right now.
thanks for listening.
***i watch the discovery channel more than anyone you could possibly know so YES tv is educational!
| | |
| So I got a new layout. I was bored with the other one. Too pink. Plus I liked the quote. Tom's finally in town. Waiting to see him still. Should call any minute. Heh, I'm so b0red. I went out to breakfast/lunch with Dustin and his dad. His dad was pretty cool. He knows naughty Greek words. It was fun. Lots of stories. Funny stories. Tom and I are going to see Spiderman 3 tonight. There's a showing like every 20-30 minutes. It's pretty crazy. I don't know if it's gonna be good, though. I heard from some people that it was really good but from others that it wasn't that good. So I'll just have to see for myself. It does look good, but commercials can sometimes make you want to buy things that you would never buy if you wouldn't have seen the commercial. Like foot cream. I think it's weird to buy foot cream. Why do you need it anyway? Who looks at the bottoms of your feet? Think about it.
| | |
| hey. so i feel the need to apologize (i dont know to who) for my last entry. i really upset and pissed off but i was being really immature. but then again, who isnt every now and then at least? ...especially in high school. things are a lot better compared to that day. theres still some friends of mine that i wish they wouldnt do the things that they would do but oh well.. what can u do? the answer is: nothing. tough shit.
on a lighter note... i'm really looking forward to seeing Tom next saturday. *giggle giggle* he says hes home for the summer so hopefully besides work and random stufff we have to do im hoping to spend a lot of time with him cuz i missed him like crazzy style. yeah thats pretty much it.
on a not-so-lighter note... even though my last entry was pretty ridiculous and prolly didn't make sense to anyone that wasn't me, i still do not like people that lie. it bothers me prolly more than anything. without physically hurting me or someone i care about, i'd have to say its at least in the top 3 things i really really hate. and something i really dont understand, when someone does or says something they know they shouldnt do or say and then get caught, why do they act like everything is ok and wonder why people are mad at them? its like, if i lie to someone, especially someone who is theoretically my friend, and get caught, im not gonna ask everyone around me why that person i lied to or lied about is mad. does that make sense? it just really bothers me. and this particular person has done this kind of stuff TONS of times before and ive never said anything to that person or to anyone else. (Tom doesnt count.. come on, he's in michigan and doesnt talk to any of u ppl anyway..) but this time im not gonna act like everythings ok. this is the last straw. i feel kinda bad for being bitchy to some ppl today, but u know what!? they fuckin deserved it! im sick of feeling guilty for the guilty. i'll feel guilty for the innocent. and in this case, thats me. but does anyone feel bad for me? no. and i really dont care cuz the last thing i need is for someone to be my friend cuz they pity me or my situation. i just think its interesting...
BUT ANYWAY... im still getting yelled at by parents for everything. it totally sucks cuz i really didnt do anything wrong. i think the only thing i did was so far was that i forgot to turn my phone on after school today and my mom called and got no answer. and honestly, i listened to the messages on my phone from her and i feel really bad. but would she listen to that part of the story? of course not. cuz all she cares about is making her point and yelling and screaming to me about it. as if there isnt SO MUCH MORE she should and prolly is worried about right now. im trying to understand the kind of stress my parents go through. i figured that if i understand what they are going through then maybe we would understand each other and not argue as much. but lemme tell u this: it sounds SOOO much more easier than it is. cuz mission "making my parents understand me" fails every time. all they see is what i do wrong and i hate it! i never get awarded for anything i do right. the only thing i got was to visit Tom and see his show. and dont get me wrong, it was prolly one of the best weekends (or 17 hours) of my life. it was amazing and i am still grateful. but it took them weeks to actually say yes for me to go and they told me i can go the day before. very last minute. and everytime i ask to go out i either cant or i have to be home ridiculously early. im 17! i have no curfew! wtf...
another thing that bugs me is when people post the most retarded things on the internet and expect ppl to be interested... so pretty much all of the above i really dont care if u read it in depth or even at all. im only writing this cuz i just needed to get it off my chest and i guess in a way i feel like im talking to someone. and for right now, thats good enough. i'll take what i can get.. i hope everyone else is having a better start to their weekend.
p.s. standardized testing sucks BALLS! its only over now so we can do it again in 3 weeks... talk about fuckin stress...
| | |
|
